Halloween Story: Attack of the Killer Geese

As beneficial as bicycle travel is to your health, I found out that it can also be hazardous in ways that are completely unexpected. Injuries mostly happen when you fall off your bike. In my case, it wasn’t a fall, but a fight. You’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response, well, this was the fight or fall response! At 60 years old, I had not been in a physical fight since grade school. But, today I would fight with two assailants before my commute was over. My name is Clarence, and this is my story:

After a brutal, mind-numbing day at work I was ready for my fifteen mile bike commute home. A place between space and time, between auto and pedestrian, where my brain can shift into de-stress mode. Where I can experience the world with all my senses; feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, and the bugs in my teeth, up my nose and in my eye. Little did I know what else awaited me on the bicycle trip home.

The first five miles of the commute are on secondary surface roads, most with nice shoulders and safe to ride. Then down a steep embankment to the bike trail that runs parallel to the freeway for my next ten miles. I-275 is the only Interstate that begins and ends in Michigan. The I-275 Metro Trail stretches over 26 miles in Oakland County and Wayne County. The trail is primarily used for biking, but it can also be used for walking and jogging.

The freeway was shut down due to a major resurfacing project, with landscape enhancements to the green spaces along the side, pushing the wildlife out of their homes and up on the trail. All types of varmints were stirred up, birds swooping at my helmet, rabbits darting across the path, deer startled out of the trees and scaring the hell out of me. Because of the freeway construction, Canada geese, which I had rarely seen near the trail before, were walking around like they owned the place.

These babies have a wingspan of 4 – 6 feet. Their bodies can stretch out from 30 to 43 inches, and they can weigh from 6.6 to 19.8 lbs. Just imagine: 50 geese can produce two and a half tons of excrement in a year. And they fly fast too. A v-shaped flock can cover 1500 miles in 24 hours. That’s an average of 62 miles per hour.

I’m cruising around a bend, in a narrow part of the trail, with a retaining wall on my left and heavy brush on my right. My Cateye said 15 mph and I was building momentum on a slight descent, when I rounded a curve and spotted a goose standing in the middle of the trail, and its partner on the adjacent grass. The one on the asphalt was staring at me. When I made eye contact it was giving me “the evil eye”. I’m not sure how to describe it, like “don’t even try passing me dude”! However, there was nowhere else for me to go, and I decided I would whisk right past before it had time to react. I knew how dangerous they could be as this wasn’t my first goose rodeo…

I prepared for battle. Keeping my eye on the bird, I gripped the handlebar tight with my left hand and balled a fist with my right, ready to defend myself. As far as I was concerned, it was me or them. I would pass within a foot of the goose standing in the middle of the trail, and it was eyeballing me all the way.

What happened next took less than a minute. Stopping was no longer an option; I had reached the point of no return. My plan, to pass the goose so fast it wouldn’t have time to react, didn’t work. The very moment I was passing, it leaped for my head, and its partner took off flying. POW! I punched it in the chest! It flopped out of the sky like it was struck by “the Hammer of Thor”, and fell like a rock to the grass on the side of the trail.

I felt the bike wobble but maintained control with my left hand and didn’t fall. Still cruising about 15 mph, I looked back over my shoulder to see how the bird fared, only to come face-to-face with the other goose! Its partner, who had taken off flying, was directly over my right shoulder flying at me like a bat out of hell, its neck distended and wings flapping in power mode. It was right behind my head and gaining rapidly.

These creatures can fly fast and I knew I couldn’t outride the goose so, once again, I prepared for battle. It swooped up on my head and I punched it with my right hand! WOP! Another couple of wobbles, but I didn’t fall. This time when I punched the second goose up in the air it fell with a flop right in front of my bike. I couldn’t help but run over its wing as it spread out on the trail. I don’t think I caused permanent damage, but it was me or them, what else could I do!

Then I took off as fast as I could, afraid of another counter-attack. I looked back again only to see two white blurs back in the trail. I kept riding fast but there was no longer pursuit. True relief! Whew! I was glad that was over and thankful I didn’t get hurt.

As I continued along the trail I looked up in time to warn another cyclist headed toward me and right toward the scene of the crime. As he whisked past I yelled “watch out for the geese!!!” He was headed in that direction, going downhill, and building momentum, I hope he fared better than me. I don’t know his fate but I didn’t hear any yells or crashes.

With five miles to go to get home, for some reason, my confidence soared, and I felt exhilaration, relishing in that I had survived a serious goose attack without injury. And, what is more, I won the fight. I’m bad! Those geese didn’t know who they were messing with!

I was fortunate not to be another victim and had learned about their viciousness from a prior encounter. They will attack at the least provocation, especially when young chicks are about. Maybe my silver helmet, with a few black streaks, looked like another bird coming to attack. Later I would experience mild symptoms of PTSD, not only anxiety about geese, but other birds as well, even if they were far away.

When the day finally came and I spotted another pair of geese in the middle of the bike trail, I reacted differently. I slowed considerably this time, and honked at them “Move! Move! Move! Move!” And you know what? They slowly walked off the path and let me pass by without incident. And I thanked them.

I’ve been attacked twice now, and I’m still riding. I have much more respect and enmity toward geese now and I’d like to imagine they have more respect for me. By the way, I did get a new helmet, it’s all black, and so far, so good. Knock on wood.

Happy trails and always safe rides from Clarence

Want to read more by Clarence Wardell?

In 2021, Clarence rode his bike from Detroit, Michigan to Washington D.C., raising USD 2150 to help stop gun violence. The bicycle trek was called No Guns Today and was 590 miles or 950 km long. Check out his Bikemap profile here.

Photos of Canada Geese © Adobe Stock
All other images provided by Clarence Wardell 🚲